Hey, I've noticed it's been quite a long time since I last updated. Things have been going pretty rough lately. Last semester, I failed all my subjects, this semester I failed to register to 2 of the classes and it looks like I might fail the following one. I'm starting to think that my mental health and my physical health is deteriorating very quickly, sometimes I just think about suicide. I wake up most days thinking about what crappy life I've been having and realizing that I have to go through it no matter what. I know that I'm wasting my parent's money and I am really embarrassed of myself. I feel almost like a disgrace to my family and to all my friends. I'd want to find a hole to dig into and just stay in there forever until I rot.
Knowing that I have to study longer than usual puts me off at a very weird and discouraging vibe. I've talked to my significant other about this matter and she just kinda compares me to her brother where they were graduating later than other people too. The thing that I've always been doing these few months is to think positively, but this feeling of uncertainty and regret just flows out uncontrollably every now and then. I really don't know who to talk to and who I can share my stuff with. I'd write in my diary but I kind of left it back home and honestly, I'd rather type it than write it out.
Sometimes I think about going to the counseling center that my university offers but I always back out in asking for help. I'm not the kind to actively search out for help and I know that myself.
These two semesters I have been working in my university so I guess i have that going for me that I'm not just sitting in my room rotting away just gawking at my life. I know that studying comes first and work comes second. Perhaps I should really reduce the hours that I work for a considerable amount, maybe then I'll be more focused and concentrated in my studies.
The friends that I've made in the university are mostly gone. I don't know what has happened between us, but somehow I've been neglected and kinda thrown outside of the group. Don't fret though, I don't really care about friends like that because they are full on hypocrites. They only come to me when they need something, not to chill or talk or do something fun, so, all's good. I'm just sad that I lost an opportunity to make more friends. Sometimes, I go about not talking or interacting to anyone for a whole day or more. I wonder, if that is affecting my personality to lean towards an introvert. Well, I'm already an introvert to start with so that doesn't really make any sense, I guess if it does, it would just amplify my introverted personality.
Life here has been rough. I wish I could turn back time, to the good old days. I'm out.
